Postpartum Postscript:
I went into birth with no fear. I was confident that my body was strong and designed to give life naturally. During labor and delivery I felt at peace and was overwhelmed by the encouragement, care, and kindness of our nurses and midwives. Indianapolis is more beloved in my heart due to Methodist Maternity Hospital. I was on a high the first few days of Lilias' life. But, after getting home I experienced some hormone induced acute stress regarding my labor and Lilias’ wellbeing. Nothing had prepared me for the rawness of labor…the enormity of pain. Looking back I kept seeing myself helpless and delirious in the water, unable to push Lilias out and becoming weaker and weaker each passing hour.
I realized that if I were in a different time in history or with a different set of resources or less capable staff Lilias and I could have died. We never came close to that. But, the realization of my complete weakness flooded my heart with fear. When Lilias was almost a week old we discovered that she had a feeding issue and was transferring very little breastmilk. This was causing her to lose weight rapidly. All emotional energy was channeled toward helping her work through the challenges that were keeping her from eating and I felt incapable of taking care of “me.” I was incredibly vulnerable due to the postpartum hormonal imbalance. I felt nauseous and had to force myself to eat, was bleeding profusely, and experienced my first panic attack. Thanks be to God Who surrounded me with family who helped me talk through and recognize my anxiety during those rough two weeks following postpartum. I share this postscript not to create fear for those who have not yet birthed, but to help normalize the postpartum challenges we women can face. All women react in vastly different ways to labor, delivery, and postpartum. My advice is to recognize that this
acute stress will pass and to have people around you who can care for you without reservation. It is true what they say, it takes some time but you forget the pain due to the greater joy of your little one. I am back to my old, even keel self and we continue to seek professional help for Lilias' breastfeeding challenges. Last week she had a tongue and lip tie surgery and we are hopeful for improvement!